NYC, Ep. 25

April 14, 2010 — Before hitting her SKITS’N’TITS set at Bowery Poetry Club, the irreverent comic minstrel Jessica Delfino swung by LDM NYC at Pianos to, um, serenade us with her Rape Whistle Song before jumping into the judging fray. The well-lubricated audience tittered with anticipation while tutu'd host Erin Hosier and stellar sidekick Carter Edwards sorted a "coin" for flipping. With only a cat's behind standing between Emma Straub (Flatmancrooked) and Derrick Brown (Write Bloody), Straub won the toss.

Straub led off with a spellbinding account of her brush with NKOTB's Joey McIntyre at the height of the boy band's reunion glory. Not to be outdone, Brown rejoined with a cautionary tale of a sweaty, misanthropic Easter Bunny entertaining a party of blind kids.

Our notably non-confrontational judges had a tough call to make. Moved by the deep spiritual connection between Straub and McIntyre, Judges Delfino and David Martin (Upright Citizens Brigade)  expressed hope that the pair would rekindle affections via Facebook. Novelist John Wray (Lowboy) was torn between wanting to "intensely date" Straub or have a beer with Brown. Ultimately Straub lost on a technicality, having gone into overtime with a palindromic 8:48 minute-long reading, and Brown advanced to the finals.

Next up: Author/storyteller Kimberlee Auerbach (The Devil, The Lovers and Me), and Robert C. Smith, curator of the queer reading series, Brother, My Lover. The readings turned a menacing corner as both authors explored the dark side of sexual coupling. In Auerbach's story, the dark, handsome young lover openly pines for another woman, and Smith's narrator is given a none-to-gentle introduction to sex involving saran wrap and PVC.

Again, our judges vascillated -- to mumble, or not to mumble, that was the question -- but after deliberations, Auerbach took the second round.

Capping it all off was another Jesus-does-it finale, and Brown and Auerbach took to their stations behind their respective crosses. Hiding behind our saviors, Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson, a frenzy of flying plastic Easter eggs struck copies of Brown's poetry collection "I Love You is Back." Before anyone lost an eye, Brown was crowned LDM NYC Ep. 25 Champion. He later offered this insight into his victory: "I like throwing things."