San Diego, Ep. 3

October 18, 2011 — While snowflake-lazy rain sifted down from the gunmetal sky onto the Space 4 Art stage, it was Heather Fowler who found her literary-hoops range first, in an Anonymous film-themed finale, as she out-shot Jincy Willet by a final score of 3 to 2.5 to win the Literary Death Match crown, presented by the genius/madmen of So Say We All. 

But before the first crumpled paper ball was sent hoopward, the night kicked off with Fowler reading an penis-filled excerpt from her book Suspended Heart that had the judges squirming. Next up was Ryan Bradford (author of Horror Business), who read a story called “Do More Things With Blood in Your Mouth.” He led off by saying “BLOOOOOOOOOOOOD” in a Dracula voice, and went on to describe a  goth girl who tasted like bad meat and Steel Reserve.

The mic was then turned over to the trio of all-star judges, which included The Believer contributor and 2010 LDM San Diego champ Jim Ruland (author of Big Lonesome), International Director and President of “Words Alive” Patrick Eugene Stewart, and the perilously droll comedian Kyle Ray (winner of the 2011 San Diego comedy competition). Ruland told Fowler he was really impressed by her reading out of an actual book, while Stewart really liked her necklace. Ray gave her + 666 points for mentioning Satan, while he docked Bradford -50 points for his Twilight, but he earned +50 points back for his “Count from Sesame Street voice." 

After a long deliberation, Fowler was declared the winner of Round 1. 

After a booze-fueled intermission, Round 2 jumpstarted with Karl Sherlock reading a story about clergy abuse, followed by queen of wit Jincy Willet (author of Jenny and the Jaws of Life and Winner of the National Book Award). She announced she was reading only three, not four, of her short pieces stories, because “she did not want to get hit with that fascist Nerf disc.” Her first story contained a bus filled with senior citizens falling off a bridge, the second about a person using a voice changer to call radio show hosts, and the last was about a girl who tripped and got a pine needle in her wrist, and died from the infection.

After, the mic was again passed to the judges: Ruland inquired if Sherlock had a sword in his cane (he did not). Ray docked Sherlock -50 points for being gross, but commended his personal appearance.  And all three expressed their desire for stories with more cocks. Then Willet was praised by Ruland, who admitted he'd read anything she wrote. And then the trio admitted they really wanted more cocks in her stories, as well. 

Another tough choice, but it was Willett who the judges decided to send on to be the night's second finalist. 

To decide the winner, LDM creator Todd Zuniga invited Willet and Fowler on stage with the task of firing t-shirts from the film Anonymous through a flaming basketball hoop that hadn't been lit on fire. While their volunteers scrambled to rebound the t-shirts, it was Fowler who scored the final bucket, giving her the win with a final score of 3 to 2.25 to win not only the LDM medal, but literary immortality with it! 

Produced by So We Say All's Justin Hudnall. 

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