SF, Ep. 31

July 9, 2010 — LDM SF's 31st episode came to a creamy climax when spoken-word artist Kirya Traber raised her face, smeared with white goo, to the mic and gasped, “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times … A Tale of Two Cities!” narrowly out-pie-eating/quoting/citing memoirist Andre Perry for the crown.

Co-hosts Elissa Bassist and Janine Brito (who spent the entire LDM in boxer shorts after delivering a raunchy and poetic strip show), brandished water guns to encourage readers to keep within their allotted time and allowed audience members to randomly select the order of the show. Pushkar Sharma and Sathya Sridharan of BROWNSTAR performed their proposed sequel to the Spiderman musical (coming soon to Broadway with music by Bono and The Edge), dramatizing the adventures of Peter Parker’s progeny in Egypt. Reading from his indie-rocker memoir, Andre Perry described an average Friday night in the Mission circa 2002: Fellini meets Dante meets Tim Burton meets a watery salvo from Elissa and Janine when Perry read too long.

Pushkar Sharma and Sathya Sridharan mid-song. Click photo for more partying shots by Timothy Faust.
The judges: illustrator/author Lisa Brown (How to Be), former LDM champion Beth Spotswood (SFGate), performance artist Ben McCoy (Sex Workers Art Show Tour and Sister Spit: Next Generation)—deliberated
and delivered the round to Perry, though Judge McCoy, who offered both readers practical pointers on performance, seemed reluctant to award the round to anyone.

Our beloved Elissa took a moment after the break to announce that this LDM would be her last, as she will be leaving (oh say it isn’t so!) cosmopolitan San Francisco for the provincial backwaters of the Big Apple. (Put your money in your shoe, babe.) Elissa, not to mention her dance moves and apparent willingness to make out onstage with judges, will be greatly missed.

Round 2 started with a captivating performance by the mercurial poet Andrew Paul Nelson, who paused to gob a loogy onto the stage. A controversial, daring, and likely fatal artistic choice. Kirya Traber stepped up and explained her unique sexual orientation (Geek Perv) via an erotic lesbian fantasy involving herself and the female crew members of the Nostromo, compelling this observer to rush home and add Alien to my NetFlix queue.

The judges, again not without protracted and practical pointers from Judge McCoy, delivered the round to Traber.

Performance judge Ben McCoy. Click photo for more partying shots by Timothy Faust.
In a finale that will be long remembered in the annals of San Francisco literary history, the insidious hosts introduced the pie-eating contest. Yes, beneath generous layers of cool whip (vegan, of course) lay hidden quotations from great works of literature. Traber, demonstrating skills that had featured prominently in her
text, out-licked Perry and took the prize!

— writeup by Andrew O. Dugas